PIRATE
Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.
The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! "
The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook."
Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"
The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ."
Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?"
The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! "
The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook."
Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"
The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ."
Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?"
The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ."
The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?"
Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha :)
The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?"
Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha :)
MEMORY CLASS
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
AMAZING DOG
One day at a meat shop a dog walks in and the butcher shoos him away. About 5 minutes later he comes back with $10 and a note saying “2lbs of steak” surprised the butcher reluctantly takes the money and hands him a bag with the meat.
As the dog left the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on.
The dog does this for about 3 more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down.
The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this about twice. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded.
The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!”
The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the 3rd time this week!”
As the dog left the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on.
The dog does this for about 3 more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down.
The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this about twice. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded.
The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!”
The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the 3rd time this week!”
FOURTH MARRIAGE
An eighty year old woman was getting married for the fourth time. A newspaper was interviewing her about her previous marriages. She said she got married the first time when she was twenty to a banker.
Then, in her forties she married a three ring circus leader. Then she married a preacher. And now she's marring a funeral home director. And the lady replied, when I look back at my previous marriages, I see one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
Then, in her forties she married a three ring circus leader. Then she married a preacher. And now she's marring a funeral home director. And the lady replied, when I look back at my previous marriages, I see one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
A RUDE HUSBAND
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine."
Then his wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine."
She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a darn carpenter and I don't fix steps," He says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"I've had enough of you," he said, "I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks a few. Soon he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks, "how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either give him our television or bake a cake."
The husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Helloooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker Written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine."
Then his wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine."
She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a darn carpenter and I don't fix steps," He says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"I've had enough of you," he said, "I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks a few. Soon he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks, "how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either give him our television or bake a cake."
The husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Helloooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker Written on my forehead? I don't think so."
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